Yeah… sometimes I feel I have no right to feel the way I do because of incidents as the Tsunami, or Osama’s work with the WTC. I feel like – “Damn, I’m selfish.”. But .. no matter the situation, any bad situation is bad & justifies.

But, I think it’s better to help someone then dwell in your own sorrows. Although, in many sitations it’s hard to help someone else when you need help yourself.

I’m happy when I can be an inspiration to someone else. Or help anyone in any way. It is a satisfaction that is hard to top.

If you do not take care of your self, you can’t help others. Many put other things above them selfs in importance. Like “When whosevers need is fullfilled I can start on myself.” If you don’t take care of your self it will crash…

Oki now I’m just jabberin. But takin care of your self is really important!

I been reflectin back alot lately…. Maybe my mind and heart has got to a state where it needs to deal with everything. Maybe I shouldn’t write this.. it seems like nothing. But.. between the years of hell in my childhood and the hell my ex brought into my life.. I stayed a few years in fosterhomes. And the people who has chosen that kind of job should obviously do better then worse to a placed teen. One of the places I ended up in was with a family that took in teens to stay a longer time. And some memories that I had in my head now was of the father… He was most of the time grumpy and complainative. It was hard on me because I needed support and guidance but didn’t recieve it. I remember after the death of my father I was really sad and needed someone to talk to, some comfort, and it didn’t feel good asking for it from those people so I sat in a room close to where they was and hoped someone would understand.. but instead what they wrote about me as that I was manipulative. What? My dad had died.. I NEEDED someone. I really do dislike those people. In so many ways. They was good also to me but the bad is so much more then the good. I had my own troubles (therefore placed) and I could barely make it through school and he was angry as usual that I didn’t want to help out int he stable.. See first the horses are THEIRS so why put that problem over on me. There is so much more bullshit from the time there.. And I do really recent them today. I didn’t get the help I needed and when I came home one evening from a walk in the woods the mother of that home looked at me with eyes so full of anger that that was it.. I needed out. So one night me and another girl who also were placed there left. Ofc they wrote in my papers that there was a 4 year difference between us and that I was crazy for bringing her along but she was 2 years younger then myself and she would have left with or without me and I saw it as an oppertunity to get away. Like she didn’t have a mind of her own? They lied so much to the people that had placed me there so that I would stay longer and they could cash in I suppose, I don’t honestly know any other reason. Who would think of another reason? They was always mad at me and treated me so bad when I did something wrong.. why not GUIDE me instead? I never got any help.. they just analyzed from their view that was really fucked up. I sent a letter to the ones who sent me there and explained my situation but I never got an answer on that. And their daughter, who I thought was my friend often times lied and blamed things on me just to cover her ass. Yeah I really haven’t had it easy… Only thing good I got from that place was a trip to FL and the friendship of their son who I stil today speak very much with. He was the only person there that didn’t do me no harm. It didn’t come easy for me to speak with them.. but in a meeting with my social service people we agreed on that I could write it down and give them the paper for him to read to later sit down and discuss it. So I did.. and as I handed it over he really was annoyed by the fact and was in no mood to help. Everything was always fine as long as there was someone there to visit me.. but I knew that when they leave it was back to hell again. Back to being lonely.

I wish my father would have been a better father to me. If you ask my oldest brother he would say he was the best father. My other brother appearently has some bad memories from him but I don’t know what they are except that they are hurting. My oldest told me that. My father did me so bad… He was an alcoholic as well. Took me on drives with his car while intoxicated. And hurt me physically in ways you don’t dare to think of. Even his ladies were treating me bad. I don’t understand how one child could get hated so much. I was a shy child and didn’t hurt anyone. I have been very angry with my mother as well. For shipping me out there every other weekend even though she figured something wasn’t right. HOW can a mother do that? I hated my mother so bad untill a few years ago. I didn’t have anyone else but her so I had no choice then try to get along. She also didn’t speak to me and explain things like a parent should, So I’ve learned nothing from her. It wasn’t until I got older that I had to explain to my mother and show her how a good family should be.

I am really feeling angry and betrayed right now. I feel the only reason why I still will have regular contact with her is because I NEED her. I have felt sorry for her, that she didnt’ know any better. And I suppose that is what made me forvige her. Where was she while I was doing bad?; that’s how it feels.. I’ve had no one.

This is the closest I’ve ever come to share my pain.

The following isn’t really anything that bothers me today. Since I was a shy child and quiet I was an easy target for the bullies at school lol. That’s just kids… everyone goes through it. But what’s fucked was that I was even treated bad by the teachers. The point is that I have never had an adult to turn to. I have never been able to trust Anyone, and if I have I have been to fucked up to notice it. Well with everyone treating you bad where ever you go you grow up to be resentful towards others. Today I can turn the sweetest thing someone says into something bad because I take it the wrong way.

Hmm what else? Since I’ve opened up so much already lol.

It feels nice actually to get some feedback on my emotions. Feels like I’m getting rid of them even more that way, then from just writing without anyone speaking back to me.

Well, I never thought that I wrould write all this. But I suppose that I have it shows that I am healing. Or on the way to. My boo is really what started it, it’s thanks to him. He always does me good, even when I don’t see it at first. I apprechiate all you’ve done to me.. with me.. for me.

I feel really releaved, like the rest of the world can go to hell lol.